Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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