I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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