I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
