Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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