Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
