Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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