I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she told me i tasted like america
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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