i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
