Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
