I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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