Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
