trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
