her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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