I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
