I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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