Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
