From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
