omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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