hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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