just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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