it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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