I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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