We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
