I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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