Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
