So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
