Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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