She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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