Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am one with the molecules
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
