my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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