and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
