No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
