your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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