I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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