I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
