she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
