Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
