I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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