Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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