i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
