I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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