no, he came in my armpit
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
