She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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