Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
