i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how do flat chested girls get laid?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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