And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
