my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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