after a month anything with tits is on the radar
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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