Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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