When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
