I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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