sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
