I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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