You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
