Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize