At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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