ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
