He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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