Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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