my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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