Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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