I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
