Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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