I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
