Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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