i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
