quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
OPIZZABONMYDICK
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
